I decided not to include real life serial killers (or the films based on them), because as much fun as killers are in fiction, I do not find real killers fascinating, interesting, or important in any way. Also, I decided to eliminate from contention any character that has any sort of supernatural powers.

10. John ‘Jigsaw’ Kramer – Saw

Jigsaw would likely be higher on this list if he had actually killed anyone in the film. However, he clearly deserves to be here because of the shear amount of people who perish as a result of his actions. Jigsaw seeks to teach his victims lessons about life, which also makes him unique to this list. The physical, but primarily mental tests he gives his captives allows them to make choices which can either lead to their freedom or death. Unfortunately, the choices are usually too difficult or lead to unexpected consequences, making the victim’s escape futile.

9. Stuart ‘Stu’ Macher and Billy Loomis – Scream

Both killers in Scream are equally compelling, even for a high-school horror film, which clearly did not need depth in either of its villains for success. Stu’s (Matthew Lillard) motivation most likely boiled down to mental illness combined with peer pressure. His mental illness in the film is never mentioned, but his personality clearly has sociopathic tendencies. Billy Loomis (Skeet Ulrich) on the other hand plans an elaborate revenge plot, which really necessitated genius (which is hidden far beneath the surface in the film) to accomplish.

Together, Billy and Stu strike fear into an entire town, especially the local high school, while attempting to make their crimes look inspired by horror films. They nearly get away with the entire plot, even stabbing each other to create the impression that they were victims themselves. Ultimately their plan is foiled by the target of their scorn, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell). Oddly, in several sequels, others attempt to kill Sidney, and despite her mental instability, weak physical stature and overall naïveté, they fail miserably.

8. Kevin – Sin City

Perhaps the least realistic of all the killers on this list, Kevin (Elijah Wood) qualifies as a disgusting villain, not only for his murder, but also for cannibalism. Able to get away with virtually anything he pleases, because of the general corruption of the city and his political connections, he does whatever he likes. Mostly killing prostitutes, he’s able to be free for years, until killing Marv’s (Mickey Rourke) love. Marv, in my personal favorite of all the Sin City stories, physically outmatches Kevin and gives him a fitting punishment for his crimes. The unflinching gaze of Kevin while being devoured by dogs cements his place on this list.

7. Captain Spalding, Otis P. Driftwood, and Baby Firefly – The Devils Rejects

The Devil’s Rejects, Rob Zombie’s 2005 follow-up to House of 1,000 Corpses, provides a chilling and horrifying look at the greatest serial killer family in film. Its superiority to the previous film results from its pace and the characters further depth, as well as its success at casting the police as villains. This extremely violent look at a family that takes joy in killing, and sometimes may even turn on each other, shows how any family, even the most gruesome of ones, manages to come together in order to, overcome adversity. In this case, the adversity is the police, who hope to capture, torture and kill the family as vengeance against their previous crimes.

6. Anton Chigurh – No Country for Old Men

I’m sure many will argue that Anton (Javier Bardem) is not a serial killer at all. It seemed as though he just wanted the money in the briefcase that he thought belonged to him. However, like Dexter explains to George ‘The Skinner’ King (Jesse Borrego), his desire for the money is merely an excuse to kill, not the real reason. This fact is clearly illustrated when Carson Wells (Woody Harrelson) offers Anton the location of the briefcase in exchange for being spared, yet Anton kills him anyway. Again, after her husband is already dead he kills Carla Jean Moss (Kelly MacDonald) as punishment to the deceased Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin) with no real reason or provocation.

This character, the first of two on this list to earn an Oscar for their portrayal, horrifies the audience with his casual nonchalance while killing on a whim or after coin toss. His creepy demeanor imprints his villainous nature on the history of film.

5. Norman Bates – Psycho

Anthony Perkins portrays Norman Bates to perfection in the film Psycho. His character, suffering from severe mental illness as a result of years of abuse from his mother, appears normal to everyone else, as he presents himself as a humble business owner and son. His multiple personalities and deranged relationship with his mother lead him to kill anyone who threatens his mother’s wishes. His own lack of ability to realize the death of his mother and his adoption of her personality further illustrates his psychosis and makes him one of the most memorable and well known characters ever in film.

4. Earl Brooks – Mr. Brooks

Earl Brooks (Kevin Costner) hails from perhaps the worst reviewed film referenced on this list, but that does not take away from his fantastic character. Mr. Brooks, clearly the most similar on this list to Dexter Morgan, loves his family, business and killing random strangers. However, like Dexter, he attempts to use peer groups, like alcoholics anonymous, to cope with his ‘dark passenger.’

Unlike Dexter, his ‘dark passenger’ is an actual character in the film. Marshall (William Hurt) adds most of the humor in the film (don’t even get me started on Dane Cook), and gives a visual aid to understanding the inner struggle of Mr. Brooks. Earl and Marshall together create a character far richer than the predictable storyline and overall weak supporting performances can offer. However, this character alone makes this direct to video film worth viewing.

3. Hannibal Lecter – The Silence of the Lambs

The Silence of the Lambs introduced audiences to two of the greatest serial killers in film. In fact, Buffalo Bill may have made this list, if not for standing in the shadow of Hannibal Lecter. Likely one of the most terrifying character presented here (in large part to the threat of becoming dinner), Hannibal Lecter manages to accomplish a certain degree heroism in the film. Assisting Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) in the hunt for Buffalo Bill, a former psychiatric patient of Lecter, he gains the trust of the viewer, despite his gruesome acts. He further builds this trust as a result of his affectionate relationship w/ Starling, and shows respect towards her while defending her against her superiors and his warden.

Hannibal’s stunning escape from captivity illustrates his ingenuity, agility and brutality. Easily the most memorable scene from this film, he ruthlessly kills the guards and then wears one of their faces as a mask to escape in an ambulance. These set of events shock the audience and the other characters for their sheer gruesomeness and ingenious.

2. Patrick Bateman – American Psycho

The ongoing debate about whether or not Patrick Bateman (Christain Bale) actually killed anyone is irrelevant to his distinguished status as a serial killer (It is worth noting that there are extremely convincing arguments to suggest its reality, but that is not the point of this discussion). His obsession with pop music and desire to ‘fit in’ counter his loathing for the lifestyle and people that he attempts to emulate. The constant internal struggle leads him to murder in order to cope with his psychosis.

The scene with the homeless man grants ample insight into Bateman’s mind. His loathing for anything difficult to understand from his perspective and his total rejection of compassion or sympathy are both illustrated here. Also, this murder directly results from his own perception of disgrace after his ‘bone’ business card fails to impress his peers more than Paul Allen (Jared Leto). This low self image continues to facilitate murders throughout the film and Bale plays the role meticulously.

1. John Doe – Se7en

The top three on this list were exceptionally difficult to order because of their long-lasting and disturbing impressions on the mind of the audience. I choose John Doe to top them for several reasons. Most of all, he is the most dynamic and complex character on this list. His divine motivations and his anonymous identity (interestingly as anonymous as the city he dwells) make him a mysterious, albeit realistic, villain that seems to strike at random individuals. Their crimes, in which he uses them as examples for the world, are general behaviors we take for granted as harmless. However, during the dialogue of the final fifteen minutes, the audience is lured into a sense of sympathy for his motivations.

Also, his killing methods range for each victim. Each of the murders is carefully crafted, realistically portrayed, and essential to the theme of the film. In one case, his intended victim, Detective David Mills (Brad Pitt) is not even killed, though his fate is as bad or worse than the other victims. In the end, we’ve all come to believe John Doe; his acts will be studied and analyzed for generations to come. And in our world, John Doe (and the film Se7en) inspired a rash of (usually far inferior) serial killer films in the late 1990s.

Honorable Mention:

Buffalo Bill – Silence of the Lambs, Elijah ‘Mr. Glass’ Price – Unbreakable, Buddy ‘Syndrome’ Pine – The Incredibles

Given the timing with the new Hall of Fame class announcement we thought we would come up with an elite list of receivers in our opinion.

10. (tie) Andre Reed – Bills, Redskins & Art Monk – Redskins, Jets, Eagles

It was hard choosing between these two as both were elite during their playing days while lacking the eccentricities or flash of many of the more modern receivers. Monk spent years on the Hall ballot and Reed will most likely do the same. The difference here is that Monk had the rings while Reed had slightly better stats when he finished up. Outside of the Super Bowl victories these two have a lot more similarities than differences and therefore will share the #10 spot.

9. Isaac Bruce – Rams, 49ers

Quietly under-appreciated, Isaac Bruce has had an elite Hall of Fame caliber career without many people talking about him. He is only one of six players with over 1,000 receptions, is second all time in yardage and has close to a hundred TDs. While Torry Holt received a lot more attention in St. Louis, Bruce put up huge numbers and never backed down into the “#2 receiver” role. Let’s not forget he was also part of, what many believe to be the best offense ever “The Greatest Show on Turf”.

8. Don Maynard – Giants, Titans, Jets, Rams

By the time Don Maynard retired in 1973 he held the career marks in receptions, yardage and was second in TDs scored. He was the epitome of consistency and while averaging almost 20 Y/R. It is my belief that Maynard is the single reason that overrated QB Joe Namath is a Hall of Famer. The young receiver was the best target a QB could hope for during the decade of the 1960s.

The two best years of Maynard’s career, 1967 and 1968, tell the tale of there being no coincidence as those were the two years the Jets were in contention for championships, the latter getting the job done.

7. Steve Largent – Seahawks

What happens to a Wide Receiver who is on one of the consistently worst NFL franchises for a span of over ten years? Well in Steve Largent’s case you break every receiving record in the books. Steve Largent looks like the average guy next door at 5′11″ 185 lbs. But what the man lacked in size he ever-so-greatly made up for in heart. Largent went on to be the first receiver to catch 100 TD passes and was a lock for the Hall of Fame.

As if this wasn’t enough accomplishment for one man he would later go on to the House of Representatives as their 1st congressional district representative. Not bad for a skinny kid from Tulsa.

6. Cris Carter – Eagles, Vikings, Dolphins

When your greatest critique is that “all you do is catch touchdown passes”, well it should signal a mighty fine career as an NFL wide receiver. It wasn’t easy for Carter who would struggle with addiction to Cocaine and Alcohol early in his playing days almost derailing his career before it started. He credits coach Buddy Ryan (who was the man behind the above quote) with turning his career around after cutting him from Philadelphia.

Carter would go on to be one of the best possession receivers ever and will get into the Hall of Fame very shortly after this years obvious snub.

5. Marvin Harrison – Colts

Although Harrison has recently been entangled in some quite disturbing legal issues, we can not forget what a dominant force he was catching the ball for the Indianapolis Colts throughout his 13 NFL seasons. Drafted at the end of the first round out of Syracuse, some thought Harrison was too undersized to play at the next level. He proved everyone of his naysayers wrong with a career that has him in the top five of every important receiving statistic. He also had what could be considered one of the top three single seasons ever when he recorded a record 143 catches for over 1,700 yards and 11 TDs.

We could argue all day that he had Peyton Manning as his QB and what not, but the play on the field speaks for itself. Let’s hope he doesn’t lessen a stellar career with a stupid act off the field.

4. Terrell Owens – 49ers, Eagles, Cowboys, Bills

For all the controversy, media banter and team squabbles, no one can deny that Terrell Owens has backed up his sometimes over eager mouth, with a Hall of Fame career. He is already statistically in the top five of all categories and still seems to be able to play at a high level because of an amazing conditioning routine. He has not gotten along with many QBs, probably because his ego is too big to share any limelight, but on the field he is a martyr with his desire to win and to be considered the greatest. While he may not get the latter recognition, it is safe to say that T.O. will be a lock Hall of Famer and amongst the greatest ever to catch a football.

3. Randy Moss – Vikings, Raiders, Patriots

If you account for pure talent, there has never been a better receiver ever. Randy Moss is an amazing pass catcher that seems to make everyone around him better (usually a QBs job). After a dominating career in Minnesota, most thought he was done when his career fizzled in Oakland (who’s dosen’t?), but after a trade to New England he had a resurgence that few if any ever see. Moss has had two careers that any single receiver would hope to have just one and done it despite attitude and mild drug issues. Just think what his numbers would look like if he didn’t spend two seasons of his prime in the black hole known as Oakland.

2. Jerry Rice – 49ers, Seahawks, Raiders

I know it is controversial to go against the grain here but Rice played in an era where the passing game was becoming universally recognized as the norm in pro football. With Joe Montana and Steve Young throwing him the ball, Rice’s numbers have been inconceivable. He has shattered all records and despite semi-embarrassing stints in Oakland and Seattle managed to save face, recently being inducted as a unanimous choice into the Hall of Fame. Putting Rice at #2 is not down playing what he has accomplished, but putting into perspective why our #1 deserves to be at the top of the list.

1. Don Hutson – Packers

It is very easy to forget what someone accomplished over 60 years ago, but Don Hutson was the Babe Ruth of football for what he achieved in the the time he did and just how far he was separated from the competition in his day. In an era where the running game was 80-90% of the offense for teams, Hutson revolutionized the passing game. His 1942 effort was astounding for the time when he caught over 70 passes for over 1,200 yards and 17 touchdowns! By the time he was finished it would be decades before his records were broken; and while Jerry Rice has records that may never be broken, the passing game was much more accepted in the 1980s-present than it was in the 1940s. Hutson was an enigma for his speed as well and while Rice was running exceptional routes — Hutson INVENTED the routes. For all these reasons we gave the Green Bay great the nod, however slight, over the great Jerry Rice.

15. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

The Terminator: 100%
Terminator 2: Judgment Day 97%
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: 70%

Who remembers the central lesson of Terminator 2? Jim Cameron’s 1991 smash hit introduced audiences to the phrase, “No fate but what we make.” As in, we are in control of our own destiny — nothing is set in stone. With T2, Cameron told all the story he wanted to tell (he also wrote and directed the first Terminator film). And yet, an entirely unnecessary sequel comes along and ruins the mythology.

Guess what? Everything we told you before about how you make your own choices and can avert a global nuclear catastrophe — it was bollocks, all of it. It happens anyway and it’s small wonder Cameron wanted nothing to do with this travesty. Sure, it might have scored a 70% tomato rating, but any picture that deviates so dramatically from its core narrative deserves to be on this list.

14. Dumb and Dumberer

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Dumb and Dumber: 62%
Dumb and Dumberer: 10%

The Farrelly Brothers really delivered the laughs in 1994’s cult favorite Dumb and Dumber. Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels’s brilliant performances as Lloyd and Harry on a cross-country trip to find Lloyd’s dream girl (Lauren Holly, whom Carrey would marry and later divorce in true Hollywood fashion) was met with commercial and critical acclaim. But when the two stars declined to do a sequel, New Line Cinema decided it would be a good idea to replace the stars with young unknowns and do a prequel, instead. To no one’s surprise, none of the magic of the first film made it and is notable mainly for Eric Christian Olsen’s spot-on imitation of Jim Carrey. But not much else.

13. The Whole Ten Yards

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

The Whole Nine Yards: 45%
The Whole Ten Yards: 4%

Now, we realize that The Whole Nine Yards was not exactly a critical success, but it had its moments and Bruce Willis gave an excellent performance and provided much of the film’s comic relief as an exiled mob hit man. How all the stars made the decision to be a part of the horrific script in The Whole Ten Yards we can only guess that it must have been for the paycheck. We wonder what became of the movie producer who approved dressing up Kevin Pollack in prosthetic makeup and returning as his father. What are the odds this executive is now out of work?

12. Highlander 2: The Quickening

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Highlander: 66%
Highland 2: 0%

Yes, you read that right: 0% tomato rating. Highlander 2 has to go down as one of the biggest stinker sequels of all time. How do you follow up a simple, entertaining yarn about immortals battling each through the centuries in an effort to bring about the mysterious ‘quickening’? If you guessed hokey science fiction about permanent worldwide darkness, and — no stretch here — that the immortals are really aliens from the planet Zeist, you guessed right! Also, Sean Connery’s character Ramirez from the first film is conveniently revived, for reasons we still don’t understand. Total, utter, epic fail.

11. Blues Brothers 2000

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Blues Brothers: 84%
Blues Brothers 2000: 45%

How do you screw up an absolute classic comedy filled with action, humor and musical numbers? You replace an overweight comedic legend (John Belushi) with another overweight mediocre one (no disrespect to John Goodman, after all he was Walter Sobchak) in an all-too-unnecessary sequel and hope nobody notices. Blues Brothers was an institution for almost 20 years before a sequel was given the green light. Blues Brothers 2000 really did not stand an inkling of a chance to be successful and is one of those forgettable second comings that fortunately doesn’t seem to have affected the priceless nature of the original.

10. Basic Instinct 2

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Basic Instinct: 59%
Basic Instinct 2: 7%

Speaking of unnecessary sequels… A lot of the allure of the original Basic Instinct was its sexual shock value. At the time, a major star opening her legs and showing the va-jay-jay on camera was something very new for mainstream cinema. It made an even bigger star out of Sharon Stone and took audiences into a new age where nothing seemed off limits on the silver screen.

Basic Instinct 2, by contrast, confirmed that there’s nothing new under the sun with its below-average story and more than anything else made Stone look desperate to reclaim her star power. She is obviously past her prime. Note to other aging starlets: this is a good lesson how not to revive your career.

9. The Godfather Part 3

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

The Godfather: 100%
The Godfather Part 2: 98%
The Godfather Part 3: 66%

Part 3 wasn’t THAT bad. Really, the reason it ranks here is a) in relative comparison to how magnificent the first two are, and b) Sophia Coppola. She just sucks the air out of every scene. Somehow she is both wooden and petulant simultaneously and her performance shocks the viewer out of his disbelief. We can’t help but remember we’re watching a movie whenever we see her, so any hope of getting lost in the narrative is gone — when she makes us realize we that WE’RE WATCHING A MOVIE. One with a bad child actor (who by some strange occurrence has gone on to be quite a remarkable director in her own right). The elder Coppola’s a genius, to be sure. But when it comes to casting women roles, he sure knows how to misfire (see also Diane Keaton).

8. Karate Kid 3

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

The Karate Kid: 89%
The Karate Kid Part 2: 35%
The Karate Kid Part 3: 27%

What child of the 80s doesn’t include part 1 as one of his favorite teen movies of the decade? We laughed, cried and cheered with Daniel LaRusso and everyone’s favorite handy man, Mr. Miyagi. The sequel, while not quite as good, had its place and picked up nicely where the first one left off, introducing us to more of Mr. Miyagi’s past and gave his character additional depth. The third one, though, just didn’t fit into the story arc anywhere. The only reason we don’t include The Next Karate Kid is that it is a disaster of a totally different kind.

7. Staying Alive

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Saturday Night Fever: 89%
Staying Alive: 0%

Staying Alive marks our second 0% tomato reading on this list. While many laud Pulp Fiction as the vehicle that revived john Travolta’s career, most people probably don’t realize what sunk his career in the first place. The answer? Staying Alive. After a successful run starring in the TV sitcom Welcome Back Kotter, Travolta took advantage of the era’s disco and club mania and produced the mega hit and cult classic Saturday Night Fever. Further propelling him into stardom was his opportunity to star as the lead in Grease and the bull rider’s anthem Urban Cowboy.

Then tragedy (or should we say travesty?) struck when some vindictive manager or perhaps a jealous relative convinced him to make a sequel that totally flopped. It was a lame attempt to capitalize on the success of its predecessor and just about killed Travolta’s career. Thank God for Quentin Tarantino.

6. Speed 2: Cruise Control

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Speed: 90%
Speed 2: 2%

Hollywood loves to milk a hit. Speed was a simple straightforward action flick, good guys and bad guys, and everything turns out right in the end — the kind of thing mainstream audiences love. So naturally, the movie studio figures if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! But we can’t tell exactly the same story; no, that would be too obvious. So this time, instead of, um, a bus, let’s do it on a boat! It’s like a totally different movie!

There is not much to say about this disaster flick except that DISASTER seems to be the appropriate word. Keanu Reeves must have great representation, because he stayed far, far away from this movie. Sandra Bullock, by contrast, must not, but it doesn’t seem to have affected her career too much. Except maybe to give her a humorous answer to one of those “do you ever regret accepting a script?” questions.

5. Batman & Robin

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Batman: 70%
Batman Returns: 77%
Batman Forever: 45%
Batman & Robin: 12%

When Tim Burton and Michael Keaton teamed up to make Batman and Batman Returns, fans and critics alike were thrilled with the results. When the pair left the franchise, Val Kilmer took over and we still had hope. But it’s clear that movie didn’t live up to the originals and we started downhill. He decided to bolt after one movie leaving George Clooney to fill his shoes in what must arguably be his worst role ever.

This movie was bad bad bad from beginning to end, with cheesy villains (The Governator as Mr. Freeze, Uma as Poison Ivey and Bane looking like some cheap stuffed animal), an insultingly unbelievable story and a totally unnecessary Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone). It started off so well, with so much promise, and then died on the vine.

4. Quantum of Solace

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Casino Royale: 94%
Quantum of Solace: 63%

This may be a somewhat a controversial choice, since Casino Royale (94%) is not that far a spread from Quantum of Solace (63%), at least to many reviewers. But that undeservedly high rating totally masks how achingly dull and disappointing a sequel Quantum really is. All the things that made the first one great were missing: humor, subtlety, romantic banter, rich dialogue, clear narrative and dynamic pacing. In short, virtually everything that made Casino Royale the best Bond film in the franchise just went totally out the window with a Bond who was stone-faced, sullen, humorless, and driven to puzzling violence. Plus, Bond didn’t even get the girl!

Worse was how silly the plot was: a fight for water? What happened to real bad guys? Dominic Greene was a pale, ineffectual lout of a villain compared to Mads Michelson’s brooding and ominous character. I was shocked to learn that it was written by the same team that produced the superb Casino Royale — I thought for sure it must have been somebody else came along to ruin the new franchise. Looks like director Marc Forster just didn’t have the light touch that Martin Campbell brought and the result, compared to the stellar original, was hugely disappointing.

3. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Pirates of the Caribbean: 78%
Pirates of the Caribbean 2: 53%
Pirates of the Caribbean 3: 45%

Similar to #4, the two ‘Pirates’ sequels lacked virtually everything that made the first one great. The first film was lively, funny, economical, with a plot that was complex yet still easily understood, all backed up by twin luminous performances by Depp as Captain Sparrow and Geoffrey Rush as Barbosa. I don’t know about you, but anytime Depp was not on screen in the first film, it seemed like I was just waiting around for him to come back: he was that electric. It worked because the scope of the film was small enough for him to fill it.

But the sequels grew more ambitious in their plot and therefore more unwieldy, trying to cram in so much storytelling that it obscured the simple, elegant nuances of the performances in the original. It’s like the actors are just obstacles in the way of the movie driving from scene to scene, and in the end I was just scratching my head wondering who was doing what, and why should I care? Lastly, what seemed a promising and credible love story ballooned into two people going through the motions of being lovers without actually appearing to like each other. We included the third film here because, while the second sequel was quite bad, the franchise was not yet ruined irreparably: a killer third sequel could have saved it. Alas, that was not this film.

2. The Matrix: Reloaded

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

The Matrix: 86%
The Matrix Reloaded: 73%
The Matrix Revolutions: 37%

Reloaded easily ranks among the greatest letdown in recent cinematic history. It’s true that Revolutions was actually a worse film, but this is the one that veered off the tracks — that dashed our hopes so profoundly following its predecessor masterpiece. In the original, we listen at the very end as Neo explains to the machines from the phonebooth that he’s going to show them a world without rules, borders or boundaries; a world without the machines. Then, he promptly flies out of frame to a rocking (and fitting) ‘Rage Against the Machine’ song. And we’re left with four years of waiting to see how Neo would lead the uprising against the machines, realize his full potential and free humans from their bondage.

But that’s not the story we got. Instead, we get long stretches of near-meaningless dialogue, something to do with a Frenchmen and a small Asian dude, a fight with countless Agents Smith that Neo simply flies away from when he gets bored, a suddenly impotent Morpheus and whiny Trinity, and worst of all: Spring Break Zion. Once we learned what Zion was, I no longer particularly felt it was a humanity worth saving, and at that point the film became irredeemable. (Also, turns out the ‘One’ is just a handy plot device to segue into the Matrix online MMORPG spinoff and another, less interesting sequel.) As in most of the movies on this list, this one almost made the first one seem an accident, the way everything that was great about it seemed to be left out almost by design. Not even the late, magnificent Gloria Foster (as the original Oracle) could save it.

1. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

Amazon

Tomato Meter:

Star Wars: 94%
The Empire Strikes Back: 97%
Return of the Jedi: 75%
The Phantom Menace: 62%

In order to score tickets to the first showing of Episode 1 in May 1999, after 20 years of fervent expectation, I spent a night outside a theater waiting in line. I really, really wanted it to be great. It really, really could not have been any worse. Sure, I tried to convince myself — like many others — that it wasn’t really that bad, that maybe there were a few elements here and there that didn’t quite work right, but overall the film served its purpose to advance the narrative. Years later, I confronted the cold, terrifying truth: no filmmaker could have set out to produce a worse film if he tried.

Plot, characters, pacing — all rubbish. There’s so much Lucas could have done: shown us the glory years of the Jedi Order, follow them along on important missions, learn more about the mysterious and mystical ways of the Force, sympathize with all the tough choices a talented, powerful, charismatic Anakin Skywalker has to make and agonize over his fall… Nope, we got none of that. Just an incomprehensible, unbelievable and convoluted story about a snotty kid no one cares about and the rogue Jedi knight that forces him down everyone’s throat. Oh, and the Force is really just a bacterial infection.

But since cataloguing all the myriad ways this unmitigated disaster of a film would take too long, I’ll let this crazy fellow from Slashfilm do it for me:

(Be sure to watch all 7 videos.)

There’s no greater failure to meet expectations for a sequel (or prequel, in this case) than The Phantom Menace, and so it sits securely at our top spot. But you know the worst thing? Lucas himself doesn’t seem to care terribly much about how badly received the prequels were, like there’s something wrong with us about how badly he screwed them up. Oh well, there’s always fan fiction…

Dishonorable Mention:

Teen Wolf Too
Ocean’s 12
Son of the Mask
Jaws 3D

Note: You can listen to all the songs for free, but it requires a Lala.com account. It only takes a few moments!

10. Iron & Wine / Such Great Heights

Original: Postal Service

Sam Beam isolated the mellow core of 2003’s hyperkinetic original, slowed it down, and stripped it to the bare essentials. The original Such Great Heights remains a hip techno-pop masterpiece, but after listening to both, Beam’s take is the more credible — I believe the story he tells is his own more than I do Ben Gibbard.

Many people think the Postal Service version is the cover and Iron & Wine the original, which is understandable since both were released on the same eponymous EP in advance of the the Postal Service’s LP Give Up. But it is indeed a Postal Service original.

9. Pearl Jam / Last Kiss

Original: J. Frank Wilson & The Cavaliers

Not Even Flow, not Better Man, not even Jeremy went as high as Pearl Jam’s 1998 cover of The Cavaliers’s 1964 hit single. The idea to cover the song came about after frontman Eddie Vedder found an old record at an Antique Mall. He convinced the rest of the band to try out the song and eventually they recorded it, spending only a couple thousand dollars mixing the tune, producing one of the band’s most minimalist recordings. It ended up reaching no. 2 on the Billboard Hot 100, higher than any other Pearl Jam song, and had a similar reception abroad.

As to why Vedder was able to improve on the original, it must be something to do with his naturally morose baritone — love or loathe his voice, few can convey sadness and loss like he can. Regarding the cover, guitarist Stone Gossard said,

You can try album after album to write a hit and spend months getting drum sounds and rewriting lyrics, or you can go to a used record store and pick out a single and fall in love with it.

8. The Beatles / Twist & Shout

Original: The Isley Brothers

The Isley Brothers’s cover of the original in 1962 (the song was first recorded by The Top Notes a year earlier) made the song famous: peaked at no. 17 on Billboard’s Top 40 chart. Successful though it was, if that had been the end of it, we wouldn’t be talking about this song now. Once the Fab Four recorded a version of it for 1963’s Please Please Me, it forever entered the public consciousness.

Most people are familiar with Lennon’s smashing lead vocals, the first take of which was used for the recording. But most people don’t know the reason producer George Martin saved this song for last:

Lennon was suffering from a cold, and was drinking milk and sucking on cough drops to soothe his throat. His coughing is audible on the album, and the cold’s effect on his voice is audible in this recording. Even so, he produced a memorable vocal performance, a raucous, dynamic rocker. He later said his voice was not the same for a long time afterward, and that ‘every time [he] swallowed, it felt like sandpaper.’

7. Aimee Mann / One

Original: Three Dog Night

Aimee Mann burst on to the the scene in the 1980s as the frontwoman for the group ‘Til Tuesday. Her later solo career received much critical acclaim but little commercial success; that is, until P.T. Anderson used three of her songs on the soundtrack to his 1999 human interest drama Magnolia.

One song in particular “One”, a cover of the 1969 Three Dog Night hit (itself a Harry Nilsson cover), showcased Mann’s unique talents to a broader audience. Her gruff, melancholic voice is soothing and draws the listener more deeply into the song’s emotion than the original ever did. In fact, it made such an impression on Anderson, it may well be the reason he produced the film in the first place. In Anderson’s words:

I had a lot of ideas floating around in my head, probably too many ideas, and she’s a really good friend of mine, and was privy to stuff she was working on. It was great to have her music as a thing to latch on to, to help corral all the stuff that was sort of circling around in my brain. So I wanted to just adapt Aimee’s songs, like you would adapt a book or a play.

6. Ben Harper / Strawberry Fields Forever

Original: The Beatles

For the soundtrack to 2001’s I Am Sam, Ben Harper recorded his cover of a popular Beatles tune. And while virtually all are terrific (or at least interesting) takes on the classics, I’m going to go out on a controversial limb and assert that Harper’s actually improves on the psychedelic original. This is no small feat, since even to this day original Beatles recordings sound contemporary: there’s something timeless about Lennon & McCartney’s songwriting prowess.

Recorded in 1967 during a particularly difficult time in Lennon’s life — he was exhausted from a long tour, his marriage to Cynthia Powell was failing, and he was taking increasingly larger amounts of drugs — the song required 45 hours over 5 weeks to record and at its heart is a story of his feelings of isolation and loneliness as a child in Liverpool. Ben Harper tapped into these same feelings the way the other artists on the soundtrack didn’t, taking the melody and its meaning to a higher level.

5. The Byrds / Mr. Tambourine Man

Original: Bob Dylan

When the Byrds covered Dylan’s original and included it as the title track of their first album, it went straight to no. 1 in both the US and the UK. They got a hold of an early version of the song, before Dylan released it on his Another Side of Bob Dylan album in 1965, and as a result released it just two weeks after he did. The song is one of just three that was included twice in Rolling Stone’s list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, since both The Byrds’ version and Dylan’s own version are included. Both versions also received Grammy Hall of Fame Awards.

4. Matt Weddle / Hey Ya!

Original: Outkast

Outkast’s ubiquitous hit single Hey Ya! received a delicate folk makeover courtesy of Obadiah Parker frontman Mat Weddle in 2006. His open mike cover was uploaded to YouTube and quickly went viral, garnering millions of views in just a few months. Even though Andre 3000’s version was a smash hit single, spent months in the top 5 and won a Grammy for Best Urban/Alternative performance, Weddle coaxes out the central heartbreak of the song that was obscured by the original’s pop sensibility.

3. Jeff Buckley / Hallelujah

Original: Leonard Cohen

Transcendent, otherworldly, divine — we run out of superlatives quickly when it comes to Jeff Buckley’s 1994 cover of the Leonard Cohen original. And while there’s something of a cottage industry out of covering Cohen songs, few do it better. Buckley’s version is almost revelation, like the muse that originally delivered it must have gotten mixed up and visited Cohen first when it should have been Buckley all along. There’s not much we can say about this one: just listen to it. You’ll understand.

2. Michael Andrews & Gary Jules / Mad World

Original: Tears for Fears

Arranged by Michael Andrews and sung by Gary Jules, this haunting, low-fi cover version was released on the soundtrack to 2001’s Donnie Darko. Absent the pop synthesizers and high-energy percussion of the 1982 original, the Andrews/Jules version includes only a voice, a piano, and a cello. It’s much slower and simpler than the original, though more richly melodic — it was recorded first as a rough cut to see if director Richard Kelly would be interested; he ended up using that same rough cut for the soundtrack.

When the song was released as a proper single in 2003, it became a runaway hit, reaching no. 1 for a brief time in the UK — a feat the original, itself a single, never accomplished. In 2004, CNN asked Tears for Fears about Andrews/Jules cover. Frontman Roland Orzabal said they loved it; he graciously acknowledged he thought it better than his own original and that it caused the band to rethink the song.

1. Jimi Hendrix / All Along the Watchtower

Original: Bob Dylan

Really, you could take all these songs, put them in any order you like, and you’d still have a solid list so long as this song remains at #1. There’s no greater example of one artist capturing the spirit and and power of another artist’s song and breathing new life into it than Hendrix’s cover of All Along the Watchtower. He connected with it on a different plane and created something altogether new as a result.

Now, a song like this is not recorded over night: it was the result of months and months of effort. Hendrix became increasingly dissatisfied as the song progressed and overdubbed more and more guitar parts, moving the master tape from a four-track to a twelve-track to a sixteen-track machine. Sound engineer Tony Bongiovi recalled:

Recording these new ideas meant he would have to erase something. In the weeks prior to the mixing, we had already recorded a number of overdubs, wiping track after track. [Hendrix] kept saying, ‘I think I hear it a little bit differently.’

In live performances since, Dylan himself has subsequently played it more and more like Hendrix’s version. Dylan described his reaction to hearing Hendrix’s version thus:

It overwhelmed me, really. He had such talent, he could find things inside a song and vigorously develop them. He found things that other people wouldn’t think of finding in there. He probably improved upon it by the spaces he was using. I took license with the song from his version, actually, and continue to do it to this day.

He went on to say, “I liked Jimi Hendrix’s record of this and ever since he died I’ve been doing it that way… Strange how when I sing it, I always feel it’s a tribute to him in some kind of way.”

Honorable Mentions:

- Nirvana / The Man Who Sold the World (David Bowie)
- Dixie Chicks / Landslide (Fleetwood Mac)
- Ryan Adams / Wonderwall (Oasis)

30. David Bowie — The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (1972)

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David Bowie’s five decade-long (and counting) career making hit albums and memorable songs is perhaps best known for the period when he assumed the gender-bending role of “Ziggy Stardust”. He performed in character all throughout the tour that followed the release of this album and if you want the full experience, be sure to listen to Ziggy Stardust in its entirety, rather than as individual tracks. Recently, Ziggy Stardust has had a revival with the resurgence of glam rock: Bowie’s hit “Suffragette City” is a RockBand favorite.

29. Aerosmith — Toys in the Attic (1975)

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Aerosmith may have released a multitude of albums over the years, but none has the distinction of Toys in the Attic. This album did not start it all but it did push them to the forefront of rock’n'roll — this is the one that put them on the map, critically and commercially.

The band would later team up with hip-hop legends Run-DMC to remake the album’s most famous song “Walk This Way” and bridge the divide between rap and rock. The second notable track you’ll find is “Sweet Emotion”, which was composed as an ode to the tension between bandmember’s wives and which ultimately lead to the dissolution of the original lineup in the 1980s. “Sweet Emotion” went on to become a pop phenomenon, with its smooth intro and fresh harmonies, and gave the album a sound that would be copied for years.

28. Black Sabbath — Paranoid (1970)

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Paranoid, Black Sabbath’s early 1970s release, will always serve as one of the first commercially successful heavy metal albums. Front man Ozzy Osbourne’s [deleted] (thanks Odie) vocals alongside Tommy Iommi’s legendary guitar gave the album a hardness and head-banging quality that became their signature trait throughout the band’s career.

Paranoid provided us with a reason to get crazy and play the air guitar all night long. During my days as a wrestling fan in the 1980s, I can remember how pumped I would get when the tag team The Legion of Doom walked out to the ring with “Iron Man” as their intro song. You could feel the crowd’s excitement through the TV.

27. Billy Joel — The Stranger (1977)

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The Piano Man joins our list with the album that made him an overnight star. Earlier albums also had hit songs, but The Stranger remains Billy Joel’s masterpiece. Many of the songs went to #1 and includes memorables tracks like “Moving Out (Anthony’s Song)”, “Only the Good Die Young” and “Just the Way You Are”.

Billy Joel at times has been more on the pop side of music but this album has many rock qualities; his sound continues to influence rock vocalists across musical genres, such as Garth Brooks, Jason Mraz and One Republic. Despite its smooth piano and good nature, the album has some deceptively rebellious lyrics as well. “Only the Good Die Young”, for instance, refers to a boy trying to convince a Catholic School girl to do the deed with him:

They say there’s a heaven for those who will wait
Some say it’s better but I say it ain’t
I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
the sinners are much more fun…

Creepy, yet so smart and appealingly bad that its rock qualities come out from under the pop veil.

26. The Doors — LA Woman (1971)

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In 1971 The Doors released the album LA Woman to critical acclaim and introduced us to the band’s most bluesy album to date. The most memorable track is the album’s finale “Riders on the Storm”. It features a plaintive, eerie quality that it would be enough to make our list on its own merits as a great song.

The album would be the last with Jim Morrison as frontman after his death from drug-related causes. When listening to the album, one senses that Morrison may have been coming into his own and maturing as a writer and musician; it’s sad to think this was his swan song. Thankfully we have this gem that will last forever in our memories.

25. Bruce Springsteen — Born to Run (1975)

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While I admit that I am not the biggest Bruce Springsteen fan, 1975’s Born To Run is his best album to date and maybe his most complete as a musician. The title track is amazing and the awards and lists that it appears on are a testament to its greatness and longevity as a classic rock song. “The Boss” hit it big with this album and I have to give it credit despite my personal feelings.

24. AC/DC — Highway to Hell (1979)

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Despite Highway to Hell being AC/DC’s sixth studio LP, it was by far the album that launched them to world wide stardom. The gritty hard rock album is loaded with head-banging guitar riffs and percussive brilliance.

Shortly after the album was produced, lead singer Bon Scott died of alcohol poisoning, which opened the way for Brian Johnson to take over the vocal reins. No disrespect to Scott, but AC/DC is what it is today because of the raspy screaming of Johnson. If you listen to both singers on the track “Highway to Hell”, Johnson is magnificent and steers the band in a huge way.

23. Van Halen — Van Halen (1978)

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Has there been a band with as much controversy but still continuity throughout the years as Van Halen? The band’s first release Van Halen takes us back to a time before all the infighting and egos and stands as one of the most successful debut albums ever.

What separated Van Halen at the time was the innovation of guitarist Eddie Van Halen and the overtly eccentric vocals of lead singer David Lee Roth. “Runnin’ With the Devil” is a classic and highlights all the band’s strengths. With the success of 1984 six years later, Van Halen would achieve “diamond” status for sales on two LPs in a short time, proving their staying power.

22. The Eagles — Hotel California (1976)

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The Eagles might have made this list with just a single — that is how important and endearing the title track is to most fans. Don Henley’s rough voice together with the dueling guitars played by Don Felder and Joe Walsh make it a truly unique song.

On the surface, the lyrics seem almost comical. But upon further inspection they provide a tale of excess and debauchery that can overtake anyone who achieves huge success in the City of Angels. “Hotel California” is another powerful reminder of the price of fame and many of the costs that come along with the American Dream.

21. Elton John — Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (1973)

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Elton John has been making hits for so many decades it is hard to keep track of all of them. On Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, John and long-time collaborator Bernie Taupin created an inspired record with a slew of hit singles that have endured as classics for years.

The title track, “A Candle in the Wind” and the piano bar favorite “Bennie and the Jets”, are the album’s highlights. But make no mistake: the album is fabulous from top to bottom and shows just why Elton John is one of the kings of classic rock.

20. Pink Floyd — Meddle (1971)

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Pink Floyd’s sixth studio album was their first major release to give us a glimpse of the pure genius that makes them as relevant today as nearly 40 years ago. Meddle was a six song album that took many turns in terms of style and focus. The opening track “One of These Days” is a harrowing instrumental with one creepy line:

One of these days I’m going to cut you into little pieces.

It lures you in before the song swerves into fast drums and guitars. The final track, the rock opus “Echoes”, is a twenty-three minute musical escape that will take you on an emotional journey of musical brilliance.

19. Bob Marley and the Wailers — Exodus (1977)

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Every one of Bob Marley’s albums can be considered a classic. Exodus in particular gives the listener the best overall example of what makes a complete Marley album, with extraordinary tracks like “Turn Your Lights Down Low”, “Jammin’” and “Three Little Birds”. Every track is beautifully written and engineered with that rough, characteristially unpolished sound that we are accustomed to on Wailer LPs. The album may not be as iconic as Legend, but it is every bit as good.

18. John Lennon — John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band (1970)

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There may never be a more sinister person in the annals of rock’n'roll than the one that most Beatles fans hold accountable for the breakup of the Fab Four. It may have been the beginning of the end for the band when John Lennon married Yoko Ono but Lennon was far from finished in the music industry.

In 1970 he and his wife had already recorded several tracks together in addition to some unreleased solo work from the end of his time with The Beatles. The end product was an album entitled John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band and to date it remains Lennon’s most critically acclaimed solo work. Rolling Stone honored it by taking the #22 spot on its 500 Greatest Albums of All Time. “Mother”, “Working Class Hero” and “God” have provided us with some of the Lennon’s best vocals ever.

17. Lynyrd Skynyrd — (pronounced ‘lĕh-’nérd ’skin-’nérd) (1973)

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Is there a more famous classic rock ballad than “Freebird”? Lynyrd Skynyrd’s LP (pronounced ‘lĕh-’nérd ’skin-’nérd) didn’t introduce us to southern rock but may have made it mainstream. “Simple Man” is one of the most beautiful songs of the era and “Gimme Three Steps” is another fun sing-along-diddy that makes this album worthy classic rock.

16. Simon and Garfunkel — Bridge Over Troubled Water (1970)

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While not a classic rock album in the strictest sense of the word, Bridge Over Troubled Water is paramount in its influence over all genres of music. The duo (and this album especially) are credited with giving bands like Coldplay, Deathcab for Cutie and The Shins a template for their style of simple, catchy melodies with profound lyrics.

We guarantee that the same silver-haired sixty-somethings that listened to this album over 35 years ago are still buying music influenced by them without even knowing it. If you still don’t think it’s rock, just listen to “The Boxer” and try not to feel your head bob ever so slightly.

15. Rush — 2112 (1976)

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The twenty minute suite “2112″ that covers the entire first side of this album is so good it defies logic — it is seriously hard to believe that the sound you hear is just a three man band. Surely there are two drummers, right? No, Neil Peart is that good. There has to be two different singers, no? Turns out Geddy Lee’s vocals are so superb that you get a rocking rocker and a sweet lyricist in one voice.

This LP put Rush on the map and for legions of die-hard fans it is the Holy Bible of rock. Over thirty years later these guys still hang with the best of them and hopefully some day will take their rightful spots in the Rock’n'Roll Hall of Fame.

14. Supertramp — Crime of the Century (1974)

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On 1974’s Crime of the Century Supertramp gave us one of the best albums from the decade, and in a single song list could have had enough tracks for a greatest hits LP. The album kicks off with “School” and if you have not heard this song live, I encourage you to download or purchase the Live in Paris Album, because it will change your life. Further tracks including “Dreamer”, “Rudy” and “Crime of the Century” round out an stellar lineup.

Together with 1979’s Breakfast in America — also a contender for this list — Supertramp solidified their status as amazing musicians and one of rock’s most underrated groups.

13. Queen — A Night at the Opera (1975)

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The 1975 Queen release entitled A Night At the Opera (in reference to the Marx Brothers film), had a little known hit that went unnoticed by most of the public for about fifteen years. “Bohemian Rhapsody” was Queen’s version of a mini rock opera that was made most famous by the 1992 Mike Myers movie Wayne’s World.

The entire album is wrought with classic Queen tracks including “You’re My Best Friend” and “Love of My Life”. As one of the biggest acts in the world during the 1970s, Queen constantly put out amazing albums, and A Night at the Opera is no exception.

12. Michael Jackson — Off the Wall (1979)

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As with Simon and Garfunkel, Michael Jackson may not be considered classic rock in the true sense of the definition, but his influence across all genres is undeniable. Off the Wall became his first major success and exposed to new audiences glimpses into the sound and the voice that would sell millions of albums and turn Michael into the biggest pop star the world has ever see.

A party isn’t a party without “Don’t Stop ’til You Get Enough” or “Rock With You”. Despite Michael’s lack of hard rock appeal, we felt more than confident with his spot on this list.

11. Led Zepplin — Houses of the Holy (1973)

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Houses of the Holy may not have the huge hits of other Zeppelin classic albums, but make no mistake, what it lacks in star power it makes up for in technical achievement. The track “The Song Remains the Same” opens up the album is perfect in scope and range and prepares you for the rest of the LP. Songs like “D’yer Mak’er” and “Over The Hills And Far Away” round out one of the ’70s greatest scores of rock and symphony that can play on repeat all day long.

10. The Who — Who’s Next (1971)

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There are times when a single album by a band defines its career — The Who have provided us with many of this caliber of greatness. But among all their classic albums one stands alone in its groundbreaking success: Who’s Next. The influence of the album reaches across generations and continues to be used today in modern movie soundtracks.

The opening to “Baba O’Riley” may be one of the most famous song intros ever while songs like “Behind Blue Eyes” and “Won’t Get Fooled” remind us why The Who ranks among the all time greatest. If you don’t have Who’s Next in your catalog, then consider your classic rock collection incomplete.

9. Pink Floyd — Wish You Were Here (1975)

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Of all the rock bands that achieved notoriety in this decae, Pink Floyd may be the most decorated. There weren’t a ton of hit singles on this album in particular but the many millions of albums sold reflects how large their following continues to be to this day. “Wish You Were Here” may be the band’s musical touchstone. With only four tracks on the album they needed each one to count — and they succeeded.

The twenty-five minute opus “Shine on You Crazy Diamond” is as impressive for its instrumentals as it is for its brilliant lyrics. Those lyrics are mostly in tribute to old bandmate Syd Barrett. The song was split into two parts which worked magnificently as the first and last tracks. The other three songs, most notably “Wish You Were Here”, are great on their own and form a story that focus the pain and sorrow of the band toward the former guitarist.

I challenge anyone to listen to the entire album and not come away feeling in awe.

8. Stevie Wonder — Talking Book (1972)

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Stevie Wonder has one of the top five best male singing voices ever (be on the lookout for an upcoming list). On his 1972 release Talking Book, Wonder puts his soaring vocals on full display. Hits like “You are the Sunshine of My Life” and “Superstition” show off Wonder’s versatility and genius when it comes to making both love songs and rock songs. We may think of “Little” Stevie Wonder as a child star, a piano player or a ballad machine, but make no mistake: the man can rock as well.

7. The Beatles — Let it Be (1970)

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This album provided further proof that the kings of rock still had it, even in their last days as a group. Some of the bands most memorable songs including “Get Back”, “Don’t Let Me Down” and “The Long and Winding Road” were included on the bands final album release Let It Be.

Wanting their fans to accept the break-up and move on, The Beatles produced the album as a finale to cap off their unparalleled career. While all the members went on to do solo work, the success of The Beatles was never matched. Despite the numerous hits from the band, Let It Be remains the swan song of an all-too-short career for the boys from Liverpool who lead the charge of the British Invasion into the U.S.

6. The Rolling Stones — Exile on Main Street (1972)

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While Exile on Main Street may not have the hits with the most radio play or billboard charts success, some say it is the Stones’s most complete album to date. On tracks like “Tumbling Dice” and “Sweet Black Angel” the pure soul of the group comes through. When you listen to the Stones, at times it is hard to believe that this is an English band — the jazz and blues influence is so clear in all their music (especially on this album) you’d be forgiven for mistaking them for a southern American rock act.

The album debuted at #1 and was warmly greeted by critics as a “masterpiece”. The Stones have released a huge catalog of music, but Exile on Main Street may be the most genuine and plenary success of their careers.

5. Marvin Gaye — What’s Going On (1971)

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What most would consider to be a pure R & B album, we see as contributing graciously to the history of rock’n'roll. Marvin Gaye’s groundbreaking What’s Going on mixes many elements of groove, rock, classical and blues, to produce an album that, as with other albums on our list, crosses genres and boundaries.

The title track is one of the smoothest songs ever made and “Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)” continues the amazing song list. Gaye’s voice is truly magic and his untimely and tragic death lends to his legacy, but this album would have been among the best regardless. Please listen to “Inner City Blues” and tell me you don’t feel the groove of this musician doing some of his greatest work.

4. Led Zepplin — IV (1971)

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It is one of the most debated songs in rock history. Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”, from their Led Zeppelin IV LP has caused classic rock’s biggest fans to divide themselves. Some see it as a pop sensation with little substance, others (myself included) find it to be the consummate rock anthem, that countless others have been inspired and covered with some success, but never matching the original.

The album is the definition of rock’n'roll. You’ll find other hits like “Black Dog” and “The Battle of Evermore” on this terrific album that mixes clever writing with amazing arrangement. It’s an album for the ages.

3. Fleetwood Mac — Rumours (1977)

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Fleetwood Mac’s album Rumours represents one of the few times that overplaying doesn’t detract from the magic. A critical and commercial success, Rumours does not have a flawed song in its playlist. To go over each track would be a very long list in itself, but the songs like “Don’t Stop”, “Go your own way”, “The Chain” and “Goldust Woman” are worth pointing out for their brilliance.

The band’s tumultuous internal relationships can be heard on most of its tracks, which no doubt provided the inspiration and passion that for one of the greatest albums in history. Just how influential is this album? Take a look at the over 1,500 attempts to cover the bass solo on “The Chain”.

2. The Clash — London Calling (1979)

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Yes, this is a punk album, but the Clash’s London Calling transcends genres and has become one of the greatest classic rock albums of all time. Nobody in his right mind would fail to include this album in the top 10 of his “best albums”, especially if you’re talking about just the 1970s. We likewise feel so strongly about it that it almost takes a seat at the top of our list. We know that it was released in December of 1979 (barely qualifying for the list) but its sound is much more appropriate to the decade that brought it fame.

Lead singer Joe Strummer passed away in 2002, which brought an end to the kings of punk, but the music lives on. With a combination of punk, rock, reggae and political activism, London Calling features hits like “Train in Vain”, “Lost in a Supermarket”, “The Guns of Brixton” and the self-titled single “London Calling”. What’s scary about this album is that each track is independent, yet builds on the previous track with impressive results. Where most punk acts sell albums based on the attitude and lyrics, The Clash managed to combine those attributes along with being devastatingly good musicians — all evident on this exceedingly superb album.

1. Pink Floyd — Dark Side of the Moon (1973)

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Arguably one of the best albums of all time, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon was one of the original concept albums, and along with Sgt. Pepper’s, may be the best. To understand its popularity we have to acknowledge that the album has sold close to 50 million copies and, after debuting #1 on the Billboard Top 200 Charts, it remained on the list for an astonishing 741 consecutive weeks thereafter. It is an impossible record considering the next closest is Johnny’s Greatest Hits by Johnny Mathis which was on the list for what looks like a paltry 490 weeks in comparison.

Building on the moderate success of previous albums, Pink Floyd set out to create a masterwork of storytelling as well as build a live show directly around the album. Similar to previous studio albums, you can hear the influence of the late Syd Barrett (Floyd’s original guitarist and founder, who went mad from excessive drug use) on this album. But Dark Side of the Moon was the first album where Pink Floyd developed a characteristic sound that would permeate all future albums and influence millions in the process. Whether because of its sales record, total weeks on the Billboard chart, or its wide-reaching influence on contemporary rock musicians, no other album captures the spirit of 1970s music evolution better than Dark Side of the Moon, so naturally it takes our top spot.

To appreciate the greatness of this album, check out Dark Side of Oz, which sets the album to the Wizard of Oz motion picture with remarkable and eerie results.

10. Elf (2003)

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One of three entries from Saturday Night Live alumni, Elf epitomizes the comedy and character of Will Farrell. Doing his best impression of a man/boy, Farrell’s childish behavior never seems to get old. Brought up with Santa Clause at the North Pole, he plays a man convinced that he is an elf. In one of the funniest, awkward & memorable scenes, Farrell talks cheerfully to a “little person” executive, elf to elf.

9. Gremlins (1984)

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The nightmare-inducing PG-rated Gremlins scared audiences of all ages when released in 1984. This fearsome addition to Christmas lore actually inspired the creation of the PG-13 rating by the MPAA. Equal parts cute (in their mogwai form), terrifying, and hilarious, the antics of the gremlins appealed to our most basic, primal emotions. This unique balance helps Gremlins live on as a Christmas classic.

8. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

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At the time of its release, this box-office flop was widely considered the beginning of the end for the legendary director Frank Capra. However, after years of television replay during the Christmas season, It’s a Wonderful Life has become one of his most influential and renowned of all of his films. The story of a hopeless man who learns to appreciate life through the guidance of angels, It’s a Wonderful Life fosters a giving, loving spirit for its audience each holiday season. Though present day cynical audiences often remain numb to these types of inspirational films, this film stands as one of the all time greats.

7. Bad(der) Santa (2003)

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This irreverent Christmas film featuring Billy Bob Thornton, the late Bernie Mac, and the late John Ritter deserves a place in Christmas film history as the dirtiest and darkest comedy of the genre. Eschewing typical holiday fare, Bad Santa instead goes for jokes about anal sex, little people, and racism. John Ritter’s performance deserves extra praise, not just because it was one of his last, but because of the extraordinary accuracy of his portrayal of a politically correct, self-conscious mall manager.

6. Home Alone (1990)

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Probably the most popular Christmas movie of the 1990s, Home Alone inspired young pranksters everywhere to defend their homes against hapless invaders. The barrage of violence against the team of evil (yet astonishingly persistent and stupid) crooks still makes audiences laugh each year on TBS. Macaulay Culkin made his name as a child star in spectacular fashion and continues to act in successful independent films. No doubt he will live on in film history as one of the most famous child stars ever.

5. Scrooged (1988)

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Scrooged is one of the classic Bill Murray performances. Like fellow SNL alumnus Will Farrell in Elf, Murray morphs his recurring movie character into this adaptation of “A Christmas Carol.” Murray’s deadpan sociopath persona fits in perfectly in the classic story of Scrooge, four ghosts, and Tiny Tim — his humor, as well as the novel take on the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, make this version the best of the series.

4. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

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In an attempt to cover all genres imaginable for Christmas films, it was essential to include a courtroom drama. Miracle on 34th Street features Kris Kringle as the defendant in this 96 minute Macy’s commercial, which hits all the right tones while telling the story of Santa as a real man. Admittedly sappy, like many Christmas films, Miracle stands out because of its originality and sincerity. This classic also includes one of the most famous moments in film history, when thousands of letters to Santa are paraded into the courtroom.

3. Trading Places (1983)

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Audiences frequently forget this is a Christmas film at all, but I can’t forget the sight of Dan Akroyd as Santa snacking on a whole fish with bunches of faux beard tearing off into his mouth (though virtually everybody remembers the sight of a a topless Jamie Lee Curtis). Trading Places is better remembered as an Eddie Murphy classic: one of many during the 1980s before his endless foray into mediocre, forgettable childrens’ films.

The premise of Trading Places sheds some light onto the nature of humanity (like a good Christmas movie should) but also entertains: it shows how our life situation shapes and defines us but does not dwell on the obvious social message too long before becoming hilarious. The precipitous fall of Akroyd from the heights of the elite class is classic.

2. Die Hard (1988)

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The best film on the list, Die Hard contains the least holiday cheer. But for the closing credits tune “Let it Snow,” most people would quickly forget the time of year that this Bruce Willis blockbuster takes place. Those who think Die Hard simply represents a brainless action film amongst a crowd of similar films are sorely mistaken.

Besides catapulting Willis to superstar status (remember, his career to that point was defined by the TV romcom Moonlighting) and creating the everyman hero genre, the original screenplay featured some of the most memorable one-liners of the 1980s. Die Hard also doubles as a film teacher’s dream: the cinematography is on par with some of the most critically acclaimed films of all time. Camera angles, composition and tracking shots all borrowed from such film classics as Citizen Kane and Vertigo, all in the context of a thoughtful action movie about ordinary people in extraordinary situations.

1. Love Actually (2003)

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In a great web of stories, Love Actually captures the holiday spirit without inducing the corresponding gag reflex. Some people may disagree, but I find the diversity of love relationships on display in the film (step-father/step-son, brother/sister, language impaired relationship, falling for your best friend’s wife, and the life-long hetero-love between an aging rocker and his manager) a refreshing representation of the emotion that often gets pigeon-holed to romance.

Humor, realistically troubled relationships, and credible adult situations make this film enjoyable on several different levels. For fearlessly bucking the trend of carbon-copied PG-13 (non)romantic white-washed (unfunny) comedies, Love Actually takes our top spot for greatest Christmas movies without Christmas in the title.

10. Mariano Rivera

You can have a debate about who the greatest hitter of all-time is, or who the greatest outfielder, catcher etc. But when it comes to who the greatest closer of all-time is, there is no debate — it’s Mariano Rivera. With a World Series ERA of 0.75 and 39 World Series saves, Rivera has dominated baseball in the last decade. Since 1999 “The Panama Express” has played in nine All-Star games, captured three World Series rings, won the Rolaids Relief Man Award five times, and led Major League Baseball in total saves three times.  No closer has come anywhere near that kind of dominance in the last ten years.

9. Michael Schumacher

Although he has been retired for a few years, Schumacher is still the stick by which we measure Formula One drivers. He won seven F1 championships, including five in a row from 2000-2004. Schumacher was one of the highest paid athletes in the world during the past ten years, second only to Tiger Woods, and many credit him with being the world’s first billionaire athlete. There is talk of him making a comeback next season, possibly with the Mercedes team, if this takes place count on him adding more wins to his already sterling legacy.

8. Jimmie Johnson

With 47 wins, 179 top ten finishes, and 23 pole positions, Jimmie Johnson has dominated NASCAR over the past decade. Johnson just won his fourth straight NASCAR points series title, but only the most die-hard NASCAR fans even know who he is. Perhaps if he got into fights like Tony Stewart, he would garner more respect from NASCAR fans. Instead, Johnson just quietly dominates his sport one race at a time.

7. Serena & Venus Williams

OK, so technically Venus and Serena are two separate athletes, but they are sisters, and let’s be honest these two have defined women’s tennis over the last ten years. Over the past decade only two women not named Williams have managed to win Wimbledon. When she is not being fined $80k for doing her best John McEnroe impression, Serena Williams dominates the tennis world. She has won the Australian Open so often that it might as well be named after her. Venus in like manner has managed to win 41 total titles and has dominated Wimbledon over the past decade. Don’t forget the two have combined to win 16 doubles titles as well.

The Williams sisters are the two highest earning female tennis players of all-time, and when they are finished with their careers, they may also be equally regarded as the two greatest tennis players of all-time.

6. Sebastien Loeb

Since 2004 anyone in the World Rally Championship not named Sebastien Loeb has been driving for second place. Loeb has simply dominated the top spot in the sport. Driving a car around a track at high speeds is difficult enough, but take away all that nicely laid tarmac, throw in rocks and dirt, add a little snow and you have a recipe for disaster, but that is what the WRC is all about. The man dominates year in and year out with seemingly little effort. One year Loeb broke his arm while mountain biking, subsequently he missed the last four races of the season, but he still managed to win the championship because he was so far ahead in points.

5. Ryan Giggs

When it comes to soccer one franchise stands above the rest as the pinnacle of excellence: Manchester United. Ryan Giggs has spent his entire career with Man U, and is the most decorated player in English football history. Giggs has won seven Premier Leagues, two F.A. Cups, two UEFA Champions League Cups, and a FIFA Cup all in the last ten years. Other players may be more popular for dating former pop stars or filling highlight reels, but none have won as much hardware as Giggs has. Ryan Giggs plays international soccer for the Welsh national team, so he has not been very visible on the international stage, but he has dominated the English Premier League like no one else.

4. Shaquille O’Neal

Out of the last ten NBA Finals Shaq has played in five, won four, and been the Finals MVP three times. The only person who comes even close to that kind of dominance in the NBA over the last decade is Tim Duncan.  Shaq led the league in field-goal percentage seven times and led the league in scoring once during the last ten years. He has also managed to do something neither Michael Jordan nor Kobe Bryant have ever managed- win a championship without Phil Jackson.

3. Tom Brady

Tom Brady does one thing better than any other QB in the NFL- win games. Sure, perhaps Peyton Manning is technically a better QB, and Brady may have benefited from the whole “spygate” scandal, but Brady has managed to win three Superbowls and play in a fourth. He also lead the Patriots to an 18-1 record two years ago and only Jim McMahon and Joe Montana can claim that kind of a record in the annals of pro football. Brady has also set several NFL records including: Most passing touchdowns in a single quarter (5), most passing touchdowns in a single season (50), and largest touchdown to interception difference (42).

2. Roger Federer

Over the past ten years Roger Federer’s dominance has faced only two challenges: Raphael Nadal and mononucleosis. With 61 career titles and an 81% career winning percentage, Federer has been destroying his competition on a consistent basis since turning pro in 1998. He held the top spot in world tennis rankings for a record 237 weeks, which is almost five years of pure dominance.

Raphael Nadal has made a name for himself as being the one person who can consistently beat Roger Federer (on clay mostly), but once you get past Nadal there really is no player that has challenged King Rog. Wimbledon and the US Open belong to Federer, having dominated both events since 2003. Finally, given the history of superstars in tennis it is impressive to note that Roger has become the all-time career earnings leader as well.

1. Tiger Woods

Why does anyone care about Tiger’s marriage and personal life? Whether you are in the most exclusive country club in the world, or you are at a fast food joint in a sketchy neighborhood, you will find someone who is a Tiger Woods fan, no other athlete on this list has that sort of universal appeal. Thus, when Tiger has marriage problems and wrecks his Escalade it is literally international news.

To begin to understand how much Tiger Woods means to golf, all one has to do is look at TV ratings. After wining the US Open in 2008, Woods had season-ending knee surgery; the TV audience for golf dropped a staggering 55% for the PGA Championship with Woods gone. No other athlete in sports has that kind of influence on audience size…period!

Tiger is third on the all-time list for PGA Tour wins. Sam Snead had 82 Tour wins in 30 years, Jack Nicklaus had 73 Tour wins in 25 years, Tiger has 71 Tour wins in just 14 years. As dominant as every other athlete is on this list, Tiger is easily twice as good as anyone before him. Barring any major injury, or an even stranger car crash, Tiger will hold almost every Golf record in the book by miles when he retires. Tiger WoodsIS golf. If he were to retire tomorrow the PGA would be in a full-blown crisis.

Tiger has also dominated Forbes list of highest paid athletes for the past ten years. When you look at all his achievements there is no doubt that he is the most dominant athlete of the decade.

Think of one you’ve seen recently. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Will Smith, Matt Damon, Denzel Washington, Russell Crowe? All tall. Or how about classic films? Carey Grant, Humphrey Bogart (thanks, Clovis), Jimmy Stewart, Clark Gable, Henry Fonda — six feet at the shortest. There’s just something about his height that gives a leading man the presence to be in charge and convincingly so.

But not all leading men fit the archetype. Several famous, successful leading men buck the trend and make a name for themselves despite lacking the je ne sais quoi that comes with above-average height and we figured it was time to give them the recognition they deserve. In this list, we present the top 10 short leading men and review some of the films that made them famous.

Note: For our purposes, we define “tall” as 5′ 10″, or one inch greater than the the US national average. And in order to be considered a “leading man”, the actor must have appeared in at least two feature films as the principal male character. Finally, in ranking the actors, we took into consideration not only how famous they are but also how much below the 5′ 10″ they fall.

10. Woody Allen (5′ 5″)

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Famous more for his writing and directing than for his acting, Woody Allen nevertheless occupies a special place on the list for his influence on modern film. His movies span the gamut from slapstick and screwball comedies to serious dramas and out of his twenty-one Academy Award nominations, he’s won three (though not for Best Actor). 1977’s Best Picture Annie Hall, which he wrote, directed and starred in, set the standard for modern romantic comedies.

In addition to the 5′ 6.5″ Diane Keaton — whom he’s starred with at least a half dozen times — Allen has played a lead role opposite a number of famous (and much taller) leading ladies: Mia Farrow, Anjelica Huston, Kirstie Alley, Sharon Stone, and Debra Messing. He’s not gotten by on his looks, though some women find him irresistible — he’s a good example of where intelligence and self-deprecating humor make up for physical stature.

So influential is Allen’s work, that essentially any role on television or film you see that features the anxious, brainy, urban Jew character started with him. If Allen hadn’t formed the archetype in the 1970s, there might not be a Jerry Seinfeld, David Schwimmer, Ben Stiller, Adam Sandler or Judd Apatow today.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: Annie Hall (1977)
Most Famous Role: Harry Block (Deconstructing Harry, 1997)

9. Richard Dreyfuss (5′ 5″)

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Best known for his role in Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Mr. Holland’s Opus, Richard Dreyfuss was (at the time) the youngest actor ever to win an Academy Award for Best Actor (at 29, for 1977’s The Goodbye Girl, beating out Mr. Allen from above). His first film part was actually a small, uncredited role in The Graduate, in which he had one line: “Shall I call the cops? I’ll call the cops.”

Dreyfuss has a special ability to make annoyingly vain, arrogant and whiny characters seem both heroic and likable. Perhaps because his off-screen personality mirrored his roles, he developed a reputation for being hard to work with. After a meteoric rise in the late ’70s, he was poised to become a major star in the 1980s but blew it on booze and drugs. Out of rehab, his career rebounded with films like Stakeout, Down and Out in Beverly Hills, and What About Bob?, establishing him as a both a terrific comedian and dramatic actor.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: American Graffiti (1973)
Most Famous Role: Roy Neary (Close Encounters of the Third Kind, 1977)

8. Dustin Hoffman (5′ 5″)

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Among the most interesting things about Mr. Hoffman’s breakthrough role in The Graduate (aside leading opposite the 5′ 6.5″ Anne Bancroft) was that he got the part after negotiations with Warren Beatty and Robert Redford — both much taller leading men — fell through, at a time when it was rare indeed for a leading man to be so short. Most everyone else on this list can thank him for paving the way.

A highly versatile and respected actor, Dustin Hoffman counts two Academy Awards, six Golden Globes and three BAFTAs among his accomplishments. His best films include Midnight Cowboy, All the President’s Men, Kramer vs. Kramer, Tootsie (which he played in drag), Rain Man, Captain Hook (in the eponymous fantasy starring Robin Williams), and my personal favorite, Bernard the existential detective in 2004’s I Heart Huckabees.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: The Graduate (1967)
Most Famous Role: Raymond Babbitt (Rain Man, 1988)

7. James Cagney (5′ 6.5″)

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An actor best known for his work in the 1920s and ’30s, James Cagney was ranked eighth among the Greatest Male Stars of All Time by the American Film Institute. (It’s somewhat ironic that he dressed as a woman for his first performing role, in a vaudeville revue called Every Sailor.) One of the highest paid actors of his time, Cagney twice won the Oscar for Best Actor and is best remembered for playing Depression-era gangsters.

Cagney was equally loved and loathed in the dozens of film roles that demonstrated his range as an actor. For his performance as Tom Powers in The Public Enemy, the New York Herald Tribune described him as “the most ruthless, unsentimental appraisal of the meanness of a petty killer the cinema has yet devised.” The scene in which Cagney smashes a grapefruit into Mae Clarke’s face is viewed by many critics as one of the most famous moments in movie history.

You may remember his famous line from Taxi! (“You dirty rat!”), although he never actually said it. The closest he came was: “Come out and take it, you dirty, yellow-bellied rat, or I’ll give it to you through the door!”

Notable Films

Breakthrough: The Public Enemy (1931)
Most Famous Role: Martin “Moe the Gimp” Snyder (Love Me or Leave Me, 1955)

6. Gary Oldman (5′ 9″)

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Gary Oldman is perhaps the greatest character actor never to take home an Academy Award — not even nominated! — and is certainly a contender for most gifted on this list. He’s tackled some really tough roles, dark and morally corrupt and varied across the board, including Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, Sid Vicious in Sid & Nancy, Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK, Sirius Black in Harry Potter, Mason Verger in Hannibal, and, of course, Count Dracula.

He’s English but you wouldn’t necessarily know it, since he’s mastered virtually every kind of spoken English accent. He had a brief, Emmy-nominated run on Friends as Joey’s acting teacher and you may remember him most recently as Commissioner Gordon in the Dark Knight. Fun short leading man fact: he was married to the six-foot tall Uma Thurman from 1990-1992.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: Sid & Nancy (1986)
Most Famous Role: Count Dracula (Bram Stoker’s Dracula, 1992)

5. Jack Lemmon (5′ 9″)

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One of America’s finest comedians, multiple Oscar-winner Jack Lemmon starred in over 60 films throughout his more than five decades in Hollywood. During his tenure, Lemmon worked alongside a number of legendary (and tall) leading ladies, including Marilyn Monroe, Natalie Wood, Janet Leigh, Shirley Maclaine, Rita Hayworth and Sophia Loren. (Some guys have all the luck.)

Many of his most notable films were produced in the 1950s, ’60s, and ’70s, including Some Like it Hot, Days of Wine and Roses, Mister Roberts, The Apartment (which took Best Picture in 1960) and Save the Tiger, for which he won Best Actor. But unlike a lot of his acting contemporaries, Lemmon also did some of best work late in his career. In 1993, he teamed up with longtime collaborator Walter Matthau for the surprise hit Grumpy Old Men, which introduced the pair to a new generation of audiences.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: It Should Happen to You (1954)
Most Famous Role: Joe Clay (Days of Wine and Roses, 1962)

4. Buster Keaton (5′ 5″)

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Joseph Frank “Buster” Keaton VI (yes, that’s six) died in 1966, so most modern audiences are unfamiliar with his silent-film body of work. But Critic Roger Ebert wrote of Keaton’s “extraordinary period from 1920 to 1929, [when] he worked without interruption on a series of films that make him, arguably, the greatest actor-director in the history of the movies” and called his film The General “one of the supreme masterpieces of silent film making.”

His real gift lay in physical comedy: slapstick, sight gags and stunts performed at great physical risk. A scene from Steamboat Bill Jr. required Keaton to run into the shot and stand still on a particular spot. Then, the facade of a three-story building toppled forward on top of Keaton. Keaton’s character emerged unscathed, thanks to a single open window which passed directly over him. The stunt required precision, because the prop house weighed two tons, and the window only offered a few inches of space around Keaton’s body.

He became a matinee idol and a precursor to the modern leading man as sex symbol, all without uttering a word. For this and his small frame, he earns a top spot on our list.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: Butcher Boy (1917)
Most Famous Role: Johnnie Gray (The General, 1927)

3. Al Pacino (5′ 7″)

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A virtual unknown before his breakthrough role as Michael Corleone, Al Pacino has gone on to define the modern gangster and every other Mafioso role since is in his shadow. The Godfather routinely tops many “best of” lists largely on the strength of his performance, for which he was nominated for Best Supporting Actor. At the time, Pacino was something of a gamble — Francis Ford Coppola pushed for him to play the role against the wishes of the studio. One of its main objections? He was too short.

His career took off in the 1970s, with a string of gritty, unforgettable lead roles in Serpico, The Godfather: Part II, Dog Day Afternoon, and …And Justice for All. Pacino was nominated for Best Actor in all four. And though his career took something of a dive in the 1980s (including Scarface, which we at The Pulp List think is highly overrated), he bounced back in the 1990s with roles in The Godfather: Part III, Glengarry Glen Ross, Donnie Brasco, Heat and Scent of a Woman, for which he finally took home the gold. He may occasionally be prone to overacting lately, but his unmistakable voice makes up for what he lacks in height.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: The Godfather (1972)
Most Famous Role: Michael Corleone (The Godfather, 1972)

2. Tom Cruise (5′ 7″)

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We’d be remiss if we failed to include Mr. Thomas Cruise Mapother IV — truly, he’s a short leading man’s leading man and arguably the most famous actor on our list. Thrice nominated but never awarded an Oscar, he has been a part of some of the highest profile flicks in history: Top Gun, Mission: Impossible, Rain Man, Jerry Maguire and Minority Report. In most of his earliest roles, he played the handsome bad boy (Days of Thunder, anyone?), mostly light fare with little substance. But more recently he’s taken some risks and revealed additional depth with unusual roles in Magnolia, Collateral and even Tropic Thunder (which is worth seeing if only for his brief, but memorable, cameo).

It’s true that he may be more famous now for his offscreen antics, tabloid marriage (his third) to a woman 17 years his junior, and bizarrely creepy Scientology orientation video (be sure to check out Jerry O’Connell’s spoof). Whether negative public perception will have a lasting effect on his career remains to be seen.

Notable Films

Breakthrough: Risky Business (1983)
Most Famous Role: Pete “Maverick” Mitchell (Top Gun, 1986)

1. Michael J. Fox (5′ 4.5″)

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One of the rare television stars to make the successful jump to the big screen (and back), our top spot goes to the shortest actor on the list, Michael Andrew Fox. (If you’re curious where the “J” came from, check out his Wikipedia profile.)

At 5′ 4.5″, it’s hard to believe that Fox would be able to hack it all as a leading man, since there are few actresses that wouldn’t tower over him, but he seems to have done quite well for himself. On account of his natural good looks, winning charm, and onscreen charisma, he landed the iconic 1980s role of young Republican Alex P. Keaton on the NBC sitcom Family Ties and then went on to star in the Back to the Future trilogy, Teen Wolf, The Secret of My Succe$s, and Bright Lights, Big City. In 1996, he went back to television for a successful four-year run on Spin City before retiring following a diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease. He has since returned playing playing smaller roles most notably a paraplegic in the highly acclaimed Denis Leary firefighter drama Rescue Me.

At his height, it’s tough to find leading ladies that match up well. For starters, Fox’s Family Ties girlfriend Ellen, played by Tracy Pollan, is 5′ 6″ (they married in 1988). Fortunately, Lea Thompson played the lead in Back to the Future and she’s only 5′ 4″, just the right height. Fox filmed the original Back to the Future in the evenings after shooting wrapped up for Family Ties. When it opened in 1985 it spent eleven straight weeks at #1 and grossed almost $400 million worldwide, establishing him forever as a bankable (and unlikely) Hollywood leading man. No doubt his Teen Beat cover-boy looks helped win over girl fans, which helps explain the success.

Like Pacino before him, one of the producers of Family Ties (Brandon Tartikoff) felt that Fox was too short in relation to the actors playing his parents and tried to have him replaced (Fox only got the gig after Matthew Broderick turned it down). After his later box office successes, Fox presented him with a custom-made lunchbox with the inscription “To Brandon, this is for you to put your crow in. Love and Kisses, Michael J. Fox.”

Notable Films

Breakthrough: Back to the Future (1985)
Most Famous Role: Alex P. Keaton (Family Ties, 1982-1989)

Honorable Mention:

Joe Pesci 5′ 4″
Billy Crystal 5′ 7″
Robin Williams 5′ 8″
Mel Gibson 5′ 9″
Robert Redford 5′ 9″
Robert DeNiro 5′ 9.5″
Paul Newman 5′ 9.5″
Jack Nicholson 5′ 9.75″

10. Ryan Seacrest – Knocked Up (2007)

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A difficult choice in a film full of terrific cameos, Ryan Seacrest mocks himself and delivers some hilarious lines in only a matter of minutes of onscreen time with his over-the-top caricature of a self-involved and self-important media “personality”. This cameo topped even Steve Carrel’s straight-faced delivery that made him look like a total jerk.

9. Howard Stern – Private Parts (1997)

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The only self-portrayal in this list who starred in his own biography, Howard Stern played himself like nobody else could: rowdy, randy and irreverent. Most of the film features Stern in the radio booth so it wasn’t a touch act for him to pull off. However, as an amateur actor he did a decent job appearing reasonably sympathetic — at least, until the viewer learns that Stern’s marriage, the focal point of much of the film, ends in divorce soon after the film’s release.

8. Arnold Schwarzenegger – Last Action Hero (1993)

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This film, a rare box office bust for Arnold, featured the Governator as two characters: the super-hero from the film and the actor, Arnold himself, who portrayed him. It was an excellent premise but failed to win over many fans and ended up virtually ignored by, well, everyone. In an interesting twist, we soon see Arnold playing a political figure in a cameo in Sylvester Stallone’s upcoming The Expendables.

7. Lance Armstrong – Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

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Here we go again, with the legion of Norris lovers getting pissed off about this obviously intentional omission. Although Norris is funny in his momentary thumbs up, that scene pales in comparison to the marvelous cameo by Lance Armstrong. In it, Armstrong tells the story of his own triumph over cancer and the Tour De France. This story inadvertently ridicules Peter (Vince Vaughn), as well as other quitters, and illustrates how much a man can overcome when he puts his mind to it. This epitomizes the subtitle of the film, ‘A True Underdog Story.’

6. Meryl Streep – Stuck On You (2003)

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Meryl Streep’s role in is also a cameo but it is not a one time appearance like most others. At first, she appears simply as a celebrity (herself) at having lunch in L. A. Then, Walt Tenor (Greg Kinnear) connects with her, and she ends up appearing in the musical finale. This Bonny and Clyde musical within Stuck on You may have set the stage for her role in the popular film version of the musical Mama Mia and is the icing on the cake of another hilarious and dirty film by the Farrelly brothers.

5. Bill Murray – Zombieland (2009)

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SPOILER ALERT! Oops, I guess I was a bit late with that one. Don’t worry, I’ll save the best part of Murray’s cameo as a surprise, but I’ll give away enough, so skip the description if you don’t want anything ruined.

In Zombieland, Bill Murray portrays himself as a survivor of a zombie pandemic. In his role, he woos the audience into thinking that he is just as loveable and funny in real life as he seems to be. His scenes are easily some of the funniest in the film (a very funny film for those who haven’t seen it) — they include a great montage that features both Murray and Woody Harrelson reenacting scenes from the original Ghostbusters.

4. Neil Patrick Harris – Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (2004)

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Neil Patrick Harris, or ‘NPH’ to his adoring fans, cemented his cult-fan status in the disturbing portrayal of himself in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. In the film, Harold and Kumar are initially delighted to meet NPH, but soon realize they are in way over their heads with this drug addicted psycho. NPH take self-mockery to an unprecedented level with his degrading and uber-masculine self-representation. The irony to the viewer, of course, is that NPH portrays himself as a ladykiller who chases after every skirt he sees — something of a departure from his real life.

3. Bruce Campbell – My Name is Bruce (2007)

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Bruce Campbell, known primarily for roles in ‘B’ movie horror flicks, takes a familiar turn in the genre that earned his fame. This time, however, playing himself, he pokes fun not only at himself but also his die-hard fans. The title itself implies that his fans have a hard time distinguishing his identity from the character that made him famous.

Also, it must be said that anyone who doubts Campbell’s acting ability must see Bubba Ho-Tep. I’m trying to think of a list to include it, but since I haven’t been able to, I’m just going to mention it here.

2. Jean Claude Van Damme – JCVD (2008)

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Jean Claude Van Damme shocked critics and audiences with his stunning self-representation as an over-the-hill, straight-to-DVD actor and miserable father. JCVD captivates the audience and impresses on them the sense that Van Damme’s entire career was a buildup for this film. The finale, a six-plus minute soliloquy, reveals a remorseful Van Damme whose performance is so flawless, the audience cannot tell whether the character or the actor himself is speaking.

Some readers of The Pulp List were disappointed about my inclusion of Van Damme in the greatest martial arts stars list , but inclusion on this list cannot be challenged by any true critic or fan.

1. John Malkovich – Being John Malkovich (1999)

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Though the top choice was difficult, there should be little argument that John Malkovich (along with Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman) created the greatest self-portrayal in film history. Malkovich convincingly mocks himself (a trait that seems essential when portraying oneself) and creates a character so in love with himself that the audience feels little remorse for his unfortunate fate. The most impressive part about this self-portrayal (and why it tops our list) is that Malkovich had to play himself as played by several other characters in the film that hijack his onscreen persona. No small feat, to be sure. And yet he masters these other characters-as-himself, which include women and a professional puppeteer.

In a creepy twist, Malkovich himself jumps into the portal inside his own head and ends up in a strange place where everyone is John Malkovich. The ultimate scene of an actor playing himself, is a this moment when everyone in the room is John Malkovich, including the woman who sings in a red dress on top of the piano.

The radical screenplay that Jonze and Kauman created challenges mainstream storytelling in a way that has become typical for these trailblazing filmmakers. With his portrayal of himself, John Malkovich has proved instrumental in their growing success and popularity. We doubt anybody can top Malkovich being John Malkovich.

Rolling Stone and the New York Times magazine identified a “Golden Age” of rap as the period in the late ’80s and early ’90s. Accordingly, many artists on this list are from that time period. This is by no means a comprehensive list, so feel free to comment below if you feel like your favorite artist deserves to be included.

In order to understand what makes hip-hop music great and why we ranked these albums the way we did, we first have to understand the elements that make for great music production of any kind: lyrics and music.

Lyrics

Hip-hop lyrics are as complex as any other form of poetry. In fact, iambic pentameter is often an essential part of a good rap song. In addition to pentameter, some artists also use polysyllabic rhymes, which helps to identify the best songs. Other hip-hop and rap songs tell stories, some promote political agendas. Not all rap lyrics are great, though, and some can even be downright silly. But taken together, the best hip-hop songs make creative use of lyrics and rhyme.

Music

Hip-hop usually features original compositions but you’ll also find a combination of music sampled from other sources. Much in the same way Vaughn Williams took a theme from Thomas Thallis to create one of the classical masterpieces of the twentieth century, hip-hop artists take the music of others and produce masterpieces of their own. Nas took the basic elements of Michael Jackson’s Human Nature and created one of the best songs of the ’90s. (Admittedly there are some out there who merely take an old song with a good hook, then rap over it without adding significantly in any way — I’m looking at you, Puff Daddy.)

20. Jazzmatazz Vol. 1 (Guru, 1993)

Buy Jazzmatazz Vol. 1 EP on Amazon

Rap, as we know it today, began as nothing more than some old Jazz and R&B albums with a couple of poets rapping over the music. Guru collaborated with some of the greatest jazz musicians of all-time to make a series of albums called “Jazzmatazz.” With artists such as Branford Marsalis and Donald Byrd, the album was bound to be amazing. There are four Jazzmatazz albums but the first and third ones are the best by far.

Check out “Loungin” for a great introduction to the entire Jazzmatazz series.

19. The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill (Lauryn Hill, 1998)

Being the first hip-hop album to win the “Album of the Year” award at the Grammys is no small accomplishment, which is why this album is perhaps one of the best all-around albums on the list. From a purely musical perspective, the vocals of Lauryn Hill are hard to beat — if you’re not familiar with her talent, then Sweetest Thing is a good place to start.

Hill first became famous as the female vocalist for the Fugees but her best work is this first solo album, which is a true work of art. Perhaps the most fun track on the entire album was “Doo Wop (That Thing).” Lauryn Hill’s real gift is her ability to combine both amazing singing with great rap rhymes — quite a rare feat.

18. Don’t Sweat the Technique (Eric B. & Rakim, 1992)

Although it probably deserves to be higher on the list, this classic album from Eric B & Rakim is worth looking early on the list. The album has strong jazz elements mixed with complex, polysyllabic lyrics that make it an instant classic. The title track “Don’t Sweat the Technique” is the album’s best track.

17. Message from Beat Street: Best of (Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, 1994)

The Message is an anthem for anyone who listened to hip-hop in the ’80s. Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five are some of the most sampled artists in hip-hop and even those who are not hip-hop fans will recognize lines such as: “It’s like a jungle sometimes makes me wonder how I keep from going under.”

16. Mecca and the Soul Brother (Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth, 1992)

Inspired by the soul-stirring sounds of Tom Scott’s saxophone, Pete Rock and CL Smooth put together one of the greatest hip-hop songs of all-time, T.R.O.Y., which was inspired by the death of a close friend of the band. This album is a staple in any good hip-hop collection since so few artists have managed to combine such amazing jazz standards with flowing lyrics. Almost every song on the album begins with an interlude from a classic funk song (such as “When She Made Me a Promise“,) thus connecting hip-hop to its deep funk roots.

15. Speakerboxxx/The Love Below (OutKast, 2003)

In 2004, OutKast won “Album of the Year” Grammy for Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, making it only the second hip-hop album to win. The album captures the sound of Atlanta hip-hip like no other, combining elements of rap, hip-hop, rock and even pop to create songs like “Hey Ya” which was, unsurprisingly, the most succesful single from the album.

Thanks to a viral video featuring the Peanuts characters dancing to “Hey Ya”, a wider audience discovered one of the best hip-hop albums of all time that it might have missed out on.

14. Train of Thought (Reflection Eternal, 2000)

“If you can talk you can sing, if you can walk you can dance” — this is how the track “Africa Dreams” starts out on this great album. Talib Kweli and DJ Hi-Tek combined their talents to produce an album under the name “Reflection Eternal,” a triumphant effort with many influences, including jazz and traditional African drums.

“The Blast” is one the better dance tracks of the last ten years, although it did not enjoy the kind of commercial success it deserved. In addition to great music, this album contains one of the greatest lines in all of hip-hop. Referring to artists who rap about violence and materialism Talib Kweli says:

“These cats drink champagne and toast to death and pain
Like slaves on a ship talking about who’s got the flyest chain”

13. Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers) (Wu-Tang Clan, 1993)

Towards the end of the Golden Age of hip-hop, West Coast rappers like Dr. Dre seemed to be enjoying most of the commercial success — but the Wu-Tang Clan was also making some great hip-hop, which helped to keep East Coast hip-hop relevant. C.R.E.A.M is one of the best hip-hop songs of the ’90s.

12. Innercity Griots (Freestyle Fellowship, 1993)

Although this is by no means the most commercially successful album on this list, it is important because it blends elements of jazz, bebop and poetry that is rarely heard. The best single off the album is called “Inner City Boundaries” because it blends elements of Avante Garde poetry with hip-hop beats.

11. Doggystyle (Snoop Doggy Dog, 1993)

The lyrics of this album are misogynistic, violent and promote the use of drugs and alcohol. But don’t let that get in your way, because what Snoop Dogg does musically cannot be denied: the album was praised by Rolling Stone when it debuted and enjoyed huge commercial success. Doggystyle was strongly influence by ’70s-era bands such Parliament and featured the vocal talents of Nate Dog and Warren G. “What’s My Name” is a standard at any West Coast hip-hop party.

10. Sugar Hill Gang (Sugar Hill Gang, 1980)

Although strictly speaking this album from the Sugar Hill Gang is not a musical masterpiece, it did do something that no other hip-hop album did before it: made it onto the Billboard charts. It was 1979, when disco was still king but the Sugar Hill Gang brought rap into the mainstream. The song “Rapper’s Delight” managed to reach #36 overall on the Billboard chart and opened the door for hip-hop in the mainstream.

9. Mos Def and Talib Kweli are Black Star (Black Star, 1998)

Mos Def and Talib Kweli can trace their musical roots directly to the Golden Age of East Coast hip-hop: you can hear it in the way their music often features positive messages coupled with jazz-inspired beats. In addition to combining the talents of Talib Kweli and Mos Def, Black Star featured the vocal talents of Common and musical skills of DJ Hi-Tek. “Respiration” is perhaps the best track on the album, but it’s “Definition” that shows Mos Def’s musical flexibility. He brings in reggae elements paired with beats from DJ Hi-Tek.

8. Reachin’ (A New Refutation of Time and Space) (Digable Planets, 1992)

Digable Planets took hip-hop back to its jazz and poetry roots in 1993 with songs like “The Rebirth of Slick.” The entire album sounded like it was recorded in a smoke filled Jazz club during open mic night. “Nickel Bag of Funk” is another classic off that featured a unique bridge.

Although they achieved Gold album status with Reachin’, Digable Planets never managed to make another album that enjoyed as much commercial or critical success.

7. Return of the Boom Bap (KRS-One, 1993)

KRS-One is perhaps the most influential figure in Golden Era East Coast hip-hop. His lyrics address complex societal issues and he is harshly critical of those artists who contribute little to the hip-hop genre. One of the best tracks, “Higher Level“, represents the pinnacle of his talent, in which he RS-One addresses such weighty issues as the historically inaccurate depictions of Jesus and the slave mentality of African-Americans.

Needless to say, any rapper who addresses such deep issues will not enjoy widespread commercial success — white kids in suburban shopping malls are not going to line up to buy such albums, so it is not surprising that he has not had many mainstream hits. KRS-One did have some great albums with his group Boogie Down Productions; he continues to challenge the hip-hop community to think about the messages it convey in its music.

6. The Chronic (Dr. Dre, 1992)

No album captures the West Coast Gangsta culture like this classic from Dr. Dre. The album is slow and methodical, but somehow manages to be a dance club standard despite its relatively low BPM. Dr. Pepper even made a commercial highlighting how slow beats made Dr. Dre famous.

5. Illmatic (Nas, 1994)

Some people have criticized Nas for really only having one truly great album: Illmatic. But to be honest that would be like criticizing Michaelangelo for not really painting anything other than the Sistine Chapel. “It Ain’t Hard to Tell” was one of the greatest hip-hop songs of the ’90s and the album received much critical acclaim when it was released — it’s really what put Nas onto the hip-hop map. Nas has had hits since Illmatic, such as “If I Ruled the World” with Lauryn Hill, but nothing has come close to his masterpiece debut.

4. The Low End Theory (A Tribe Called Quest, 1991)

During the Golden Age of hip-hop there was a group of artists that referred to themselves and the Native Tongues: their focus was on positive lyrics that contained heavy jazz influences. Anyone who listened to hip-hop in the late ’80s to early ’90s knows at least some of the words the the song “Scenario.” and “We’ve Got the Jazz” uses the sounds of Green Dolphin Street to make one of the most underrated songs in all of hip-hop.

3. Ready to Die (Notorius B.I.G., 1994)

With his debut album, Biggie Smalls redefined East Coast hip-hop and usher in a new age of commercial success for literally dozens of rappers. Juicy is an inspiring song about how a rapper can pull himself out of poverty and serves as an anthem for almost all aspiring hip-hop artists. Big Poppa is a dance club staple, and One More Chance is the song the made Faith Evans. The album’s title, Ready to Die, was perhaps prophetic since Notorious B.I.G. was murdered at the age of 25.

2. Planet Rock: the Album (Afrika Bambaataa and the Soul Sonic Force, 1986)

Many people may recognize Afrika Bambataa’s classic “Renegades of Funk” although it wasn’t until Rage Against the Machine covered it that it enjoyed its most commercial success. Afrika Bambaataa are among the most sampled artists on this list: their sound is a blend of ’70s P-Funk, ’80s New Wave and modern hip-hop. They were true pioneers.

1. Fear of a Black Planet (Public Enemy, 1990)

The brilliance of this album is clear from the very beginning. The album opens with a song entitled “Contract on World Love Jam” which features sound clips from influential leaders such as Desmond Tutu. It’s definitely one of the deepest and most socially-conscious albums of all-time. Here is a list of just some of the songs and issues addressed:

Racist portrayals of blacks in Hollywood — “Burn Hollywood, Burn”

Interracial Children — “Pollywanacraka”

Black unity and racism — “Brothers Gonna Work it Out”

Drug abuse — “Can’t Do Nuttin’ for Ya Man”

Slow response time of 911 in poor black neighborhoods — “911 is a joke”

Negative response to Public Enemy’s lyrics — “Incident at 66.6 FM”

Black empowerment — “Power to the People”

Rallying to fight racism — “Fight the Power”

The album received plenty of deserving accolades since it was released almost 20 years ago. At the time it was truly revolutionary… The video for “Fight the Power” was directed by a young Spike Lee and the song was later used in his movie Do the Right Thing. On the album, you’ll hear a young Alan Colmes talking with lead singer Chuck D about the controversial nature of Public Enemy’s music.

On account of its powerful and influential lyrics, inventive sound, lasting influence and commercial success, Fear of a Black Planet tops our list. Everything about this album epitomizes the Golden Age of hip-hop.